I think I have enough of what I need for closure and peace of mind, although I am awaiting PI results on a few other matters. I was on a feverish mission to find answers and find his family (especially since the South African embassy had been unresponsive; I had previously contacted the British embassy and no surprise, his family could not be located since they weren’t from the UK). I was willing to spend the rest of my life, all my time and energy and resources to reach that end. I had made huge sacrifices, crossed the Pacific and crossed the US and back for this man because he had been worth it. I had never met anyone like him, and I was spellbound.

Anyone who was a victim of my husband or knew (of) him or has info about him, I would greatly appreciate hearing from you. If you do not feeling comfortable posting a comment publicly, please contact me privately here or at oceanialulu@yahoo.com

I was able to track down his sister, his son and 2 school friends. He attended Port Shepstone High School. Both of these friends attested Jay was a really good guy back then, which tracks with his sister saying he seemed to change in his 20s. One of those friends told me he had a drinking problem which started in high school and was almost always inebriated when she ran into him out and about, that he wasn’t one of the popular kids or in the in crowd, that she had seen some really good people like Jay, turn manipulative due to drugs and alcohol. It was good to know though it makes me sad, that he was once good before turning very bad and taking a wicked path. I think he realized he had a great talent for exploiting people, and wanting the easy life on other people’s dime and throwing all ethical and moral considerations out the window, he took to being a scammer. As well as overcompensating and pretending to be someone he was not, but clearly wanted to be. Also, given his need for stimulation and thrills, he thrived at being a professional con man.

The reason why Jay could not/did not want to return to South Africa were serious; he had burned so many bridges there with his criminal activities, and numerous people were looking for him. Like his victims attested, he left a complete mess behind for them to deal with.

I managed to get in contact with the author of that 2010 detailed warning post, L, and we have spoken at length. She had tried to stop Jay back then, but he was too slippery. She told me she was surprised I had been in his life for as long as I had been, that con men by their very nature and profession, usually keep it moving. I suppose he was biding his time and had his eye on the prize, plus he still had his ex for a place to live, and other marks on the side. When we were long-distance, he didn’t ask for much money (I think it was $400 total); the rest came in person. I suppose he was worried he might scare me off if his financial requests were too demanding.

And again, I am writing all this down not only as a way to try to catalogue everything, but also in an attempt to attain order and make sense of Jay, and the situation I was unwittingly embroiled in. Also, for anyone else who knew him/were his victims, to have this resource available. I know if Jay had lived to swindle me and vanish, I would’ve wanted something like this; just as I wish that warning post (and comments) had still been up when I first got involved with him. Not that it would’ve guaranteed that I would’ve avoided him entirely, but I would’ve been very cautious having had that knowledge.

Jay didn’t just financially rip his victims off, he committed egregious “love fraud”, using his ability to charm and make quick emotional connections. On top of being a narcissistic sociopath with delusions of grandeur, he appears to have had a sadistic streak and got off on shattering the hearts of his victims. L told me of one such woman in Namibia, whose mother had to speak on her behalf, due to her daughter hardly being able to function after Jay destroyed her heart and finances.

Keep in mind that when I put that post up on Reddit r4r in April 2017, I was not even looking for something serious, just someone who met my criteria to have fun with, however temporary. But Jay, with his high voltage charm and magnetism, beguiled me into so much more.

First, some things I did not include/were overlooked in my initial blog. I mentioned that his ex and I noticed that everything bad he accused others of being/doing, he was guilty of it in all likelihood, at one point or another. Like all his crazy accusations about his ex and mother of his daughter and saying he had a restraining order against her, when it was the other way around. Another ex he said was a druggie and filed a false police report that she was a thief. Claiming his sister being a drug addict and the black sheep of the family. Accusing a neighbor here in Arizona of probably being a drug dealer, etc. I know Jay took a lot of drugs in the past; he was likely the drug addict and or dealer, I think it’s safe to say.

Other outlandish lies among his vast universe of lies:

—said his doctor at Princeton Medical was negligent and botched his head bump surgery, then took off to California to avoid consequences

—said he told the dr and his staff here in Arizona, regarding his head bump, that he had loose teeth and it might not be safe for him to be intubated during anesthesia, as he could choke on any teeth dislodged. I’m sure he told them nothing, the surgery was cancelled. He did this as a ruse so I would be forced to pay to get his teeth done first, in order to get the bump fixed after.

—weekly Friday morning “drainages” on his bump. There were no “drainages” and he used the money for gambling and or other things. And the time away to probably buy the tickets and or cheat on me. He had told his ex he needed “infusions”.

—claimed his initial attorney in NJ in the child custody case, was incompetent and he fired her. When it was the lawyer who didn’t believe him and probably chose not to work with him anymore, or Jay realized she wasn’t buying his BS anymore and moved on.

—another attorney, Jay told me both of the parents of the attorney were killed in a car crash. And that caused a delay in his court case.

—said his ex/mother of his child snooped in his possessions, found his banking info, flew to his bank in London and tried to illegally access his funds. It was Jay who did acts like this, trying to get money from his child’s bank account he was not authorized on, as well as piggy bank. Literally trying to take money from a child and his own at that.

—since he claimed he was British, that he was covered by the National Health Service. He never had NHS since he wasn’t British, that or any other insurance.

—said he attended and graduated from King’s College London, when he probably didn’t graduate from high school. Also, he didn’t drive and had no license to do so, even though he said he did.

—said he paid for our property in cash, when it was I who paid for the property in cash. As well as paying for everything else, but he made it seem he was supporting me.

—would often say “kindness costs nothing”, “I’m a man of my word” and other testaments as to his character and morals. That should’ve been a big tell, to be so vocal about and make these proclamations.

Other discoveries:

—has had countless relationships and marriages and at least 3 children. There could be more out there.

—an old school friend and victim said he told her he couldn’t return to South Africa because a DJ event he was involved in, the organizers took the money meant for charity and he was implicated. That friend believes Jay is the one who stole the charity proceeds and ran off.

—Jay not only deceived and fleeced women, he also did so with men on occasion. Women were by and large his bread and butter though, as that was the gender he overwhelmingly preferred.

—the morning of his death, he had a friend take him to an e-waste disposal to get rid of a computer and some hard drives/externals. What’s suspicious is that he wanted to go a day earlier and the question is why the urgency by a mere day…what was on those things?

—had dealings with a now-defunct talent agency, as an avenue for him to “audition” and exploit women.

—got rid of his passport/s. I never found it/any among his possessions.

—had been sending some money to his mother back in South Africa until her death in 2023, so part of his scamming was for a noble purpose.

—he actually did have contact with his family, mostly his mother whom he clearly loved and adored. Which is why it’s hard to comprehend why Jay was so monstrous with women, it’s not like he hated his mother and was taking out that hatred vicariously on other women.

—was a potential suspect in an alleged murder, I learned who the victim was but will not say any more, in case this is one horrible thing he did not do.

—he was carrying on a years long affair with another woman, who is married, while we were involved, both long-distance and in person. It started in 2020 and seemingly ended in summer 2025, they met up twice before I arrived in NJ. After that it was strictly chat, and he used the same lines and playbook as he did with me and I’m sure everyone else. He also used her for money under false pretenses. Pretended to be embarrassed about his financial limbo.

—found lots of AI pictures and videos he made of himself with other women. Most were not graphic, but I found it creepy and absurd.

But despite knowing all this, and what he was and planned for me, I never for one second hated him. Outraged and how dare he plot to fleece me, but never hate. I suppose it’s because things were good between us, it never soured while he was still alive. He would’ve ruined me like all the others, I know, but to be honest I don’t regret he was in my life. Even though it was all lies and deceit on his part, it was all real and true my feelings for him and nothing changes that.