Anyone who was a victim of my husband or knew (of) him or has info about him, I would greatly appreciate hearing from you. If you do not feeling comfortable posting a comment publicly, please contact me privately here or at oceanialulu@yahoo.com

It’s been a month since my husband’s passing. I knew when I overturned the stones into Jay’s background and in South Africa, I would uncover bad acts he had committed. A person doesn’t completely obscure who they are and put on a different persona and nationality and is apprehensive about returning (being deported) to their homeland, if they weren’t hiding from their past and didn’t want their origins and family to be discovered. But I had to know, no matter what. Otherwise I would keep wondering, which would eat away at me and be worse. At first it was wild and mind-boggling, but after a point I was not shocked, only fascinated by Jay, like a bizarre specimen or alien creature. There was the Jay I knew, and there was this Jay-stranger. He has been described by others as secretive and mysterious. He told me in the beginning we would have an adventure together…he was right, just not in the way I would ever have expected.

I have always had a firm sense of right and wrong (being a victim in other respects, this was the 1st time I was romance scammed), and what Jay did was so fundamentally foul and of such magnitude for decades, that despite my love for him, I won’t protect or cover up. He needs to be accountable. Now that he is deceased, who he was and what he’s done to so many women/people, and gotten away scot-free doesn’t have to be under wraps. When he was alive and L put up that 2010 warning about him, she faced his wrath and threats and zeal in getting it removed, which he was successful, unfortunately.

For Jay’s victims, knowing he is deceased, they can at least know he cannot harm anyone ever again. The victims who are aware of his passing feel this way, as do I, despite how I miss and loved him, and still do. The mornings are the worst, when I awaken and he’s not beside me in bed or up and about with his coffee, and it hits me hard he’s no longer here and is gone for good. He was such a dominant, strong force in my life; as a friend here said, he filled the room.

I had mentioned when Jay presented himself as British/English, how his accent was convincing. It seems the Durban accent is not the “typical” South African one, it’s more akin to British, and hence why he was able to sound believably like an Englishman. And on the topic of his voice, as L had brought up, Jay had an amazing voice which he used to great effect, along with his charm and magnetism, to attract women (and men when so inclined). It was deep, smooth, seductive and magnetic. L said when she and Jay would be out, women would fawn over him; I had witnessed that myself and even Jay mentioned the effect his voice had. It was like a radio voice on steroids. Hence, one of his lies that he had been a voice over artist, was very credible.

He had numerous victims in South Africa, Namibia, the UK and the US. But there could be other places. Jay spoke of his travels, for instance, in Continental Europe, Australia, and Asia, with Ibiza and Thailand being big favorites. He could’ve been lying as he usually did, but given his propensity to get around, it is possible he also had a presence in these locales.

When it was early days in our involvement, Jay told me he had scrubbed everything about himself online, due to having crazy admirers and stalkers from his international DJ days. He was international alright…an international con man and those “crazy admirers and stalkers” were victims trying to track him down.

But back to his early life in South Africa, Jay had told me that he came from a highly abusive household, that his father (who he said was an award-winning Michelin chef) was violent and his mother was a battered wife; that his grandmother Mavis had disowned her son/his father due to that; also, that an uncle had tried to molest him as a child, his father found out and he thought his father had something to do with his uncle’s death. Those were not true, he had an ordinary enough childhood, not one full of family drama and trauma and misery as he claimed.

When we first got involved, Jay said that he had been celibate for a few years, had gotten the womanizing out of his system (told me he lost track at over 100), and had been seeking the right woman to spend the rest of his days with. And that he had never been married, as I had not. He did this habitually, to make his targets feel special and “selected”, when in reality Jay was a huge player. Not that I wanted anyone other than him as I was hooked, but I was faithful for 4 years thousands of miles away, while he was not. He not only cheated on me with this woman but also others. I know now that as soon as we settled in Arizona, he was on the hunt, as a woman here informed me after his death, that he tried it on with her.

He hid this side completely, I thought he was totally loyal and satisfied, as I was, but he got bored and restless easily and needed constant stimuli and novelty and activity, hence the con man profession and constant prowling for action. Whereas I was the complete opposite, an introverted, sedate homebody who liked familiarity and stability and security, not the chaos and agitation Jay caused and craved. I liked things simple and frugal (he did make concessions) and minimal whereas Jay’s entire existence was convoluted and extravagant and maximal. He would often say my dear wife who gives me no strife, that I was the yin to his yang. But among his many PMs to other women, he states women who are creative and adventurous, dislikes routine and are up for an adventure at a moment’s notice, are his turn on. Which is so not me. He pretended we were compatible, when in actuality he craved female versions of himself.

But I feel no sense of inadequacy; even if I had been the most exciting woman in the world, Jay still would’ve strayed and betrayed as he did with the others. He desired novelty and variety in spades. It’s as if he was possessed to live as depraved and hedonistic an existence as possible, way beyond the realm of human decency. His insatiable appetites could never be satisfied…a friend of his said, he lived by his wits and did what he had to do to live the life he wanted on his terms, consequences and people be damned. And as his school friend and later victim told me, Jay would’ve taken it all from me and felt nothing, he had zero conscience.

The pattern I noticed Jay had: he had a main target that he would be living with and supporting him, but would also sometimes have another one going at the same time or overlapping, so he could transition from one to the next without any gaps. Also, he had side pieces and hustles going on as well. While he didn’t yet have someone to fall back on here as far as I can ascertain, undoubtedly in time he would’ve found another mark. Plus, had he absconded with all my funds, that would’ve given him quite the cushion. He was constantly on the make and on the take.

Despite obtaining tons of money from his multitude of victims over the decades, Jay didn’t have any to show for it. He didn’t have any bank accounts or credit cards, and used cash or money orders or gift cards. He was a profligate spender and blew through money quickly. He didn’t want a paper trail and to be on the radar, which is probably why he was able to get away unscathed. That, as well as being a very devious person, along with a bit of luck, and knew when to vanish before the walls closed in.

What I find particularly sad is for days and weeks after his death, there were no phone calls or emails or text messages from friends (only a smattering had been informed of his passing), just some, not a lot of, perfunctory Facebook messages pertaining to his birthday. I know he did have a female accomplice he concocted schemes with in years past, whom L told me all about, but it seems for the most part he flew solo in his criminal endeavors. For such an extroverted person who knew many people, it struck me as profoundly sad. What a life, never having authentic relationships because his entire existence was made up of lies and selfishness.

Regardless of what he was and as insane as it may sound, I am especially thankful he was in my life because he got me through a really rough period when my mother passed. She had been my rock all my life, and I don’t know what I would’ve done if not for Jay and him becoming my rock, once my mother was gone. It was all for deplorable self-serving reasons as I now know, but for that and all those 8+ good years I had with him, in a way I feel he was worth every cent he cost me. He was also a domestic god and marvelous house husband, cleaning and maintaining and fixing things; his exes I know of had told me with them, he didn’t do that. And things like making vegetarian/vegan meals for me, he was an excellent cook, and drying/brushing my hair…he doted on me. He took charge of everything, although after his death I have had to learn or relearn things, having gotten rusty at it since I became very reliant on him.

And most importantly, whether he meant to or not, his giving me the legit passwords to his laptop and phone in case something were to happen to him, was an enormous gift and an atonement, otherwise I would’ve been in a terrible way, not having access to his contacts and chats and photos/videos and the wealth of (dismaying) info provided. Of course, had Jay lived to fleece me of everything, that would be different and he wouldn’t be worth ending up destitute, heartbroken and abandoned, never knowing where he is and continuing to prey on others. Although I have been advised to change it back, I am keeping the Lumsden surname forever because as it stands, while being self-aware to acknowledge he was a diabolical predator who devastated and traumatized so many lives, mine included, on an emotional level I loved this man ferociously and will always carry a torch for him.